danceitallaway (danceitallaway) wrote,

when it rains, it pours. story of my life.
that's what he said when i asked my ex-boyfriend what qoute would describe him. as abusive as he was, he was right on that.

&you would think i would be used to it by now, but it always still comes as a shock.
i love the fact that i overwhelm myself because i'm on my own and i need to support myself somehow and then stress out about it. i find myself slowly giving up on studying hardcore for this test. five hours a day for five days is wearing me out.

i've been living on coffee and hotpockets ¬ alot of sleep.

i told myself i wouldn't go out last night, but after hours of straight studying, i decided i needed a break. so the girlies and the boyzies all got together and went to noah's. i haven't seen that boy in so long and i'm so glad that he hasn't changed. &it was just like the dorms last year. we all stuck together and ended up in a room, with just us. the party was happening outside, but we were content being in the presence of other.

then somehow, jesse decided to brand daveylou with a lighter. liz and bailey got cigarette brands. i just hid behind jesse as all of this was happening because it was just too hard for me to watch. i really love the fact that jesse and i are friends again. after like 8 months of not talking to each other, it was weird and i did miss him. to all of you who have been on my friend's list for a while, you should know who he is.

i feel like his bigsister always making sure he has enough to eat and making sure everything is okay. but when times get rough, i always seem to turn to him. it's so weird and i can't even explain it. for a while, he was going through this phase where he was really sad and heartbroken so i would spend time with him trying to sort things out and telling him that he didn't deserve a girl who treats him like shit.

no one deserves to be treated like shit. it happens, but no one deserves it. &i can't understand how some girls just stay with their boyfriends after being so hurt by them and vice versa. but then i think of bernard and if he ever intentionally hurt me, i think it would be so hard to leave. it's like you have this image in your head on how everything is supposed to be and it doesn't turn out that way. it takes a while before your brain even knows what to do.

it's been a year and sevenpointfive months and things are still gravy. i cherish that so much. it amazes me how patient we are with each other and how much we give to each other. i never thought i'd be able to do that and i have.

even if we broke up, i feel like we'd be on good terms because we understand so much about each other. i don't know how my next boyfriend would deal with it because he's my best friend. i can't see myself with anyone else though. i know i'm young and such, but i can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
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