so i'm not going away. it's just too hard for me to get up and leave all this. running away never solved anything and on my "quest" to learn more about me, i'm going to deal with it. suck it up stephanie, you're better than all this. i still have my private journal that i write in everyday, but it's not the same as this.
i'm not going to say everything is fine, because it really isn't. things are so chaotic right now and for a while i didn't know how to deal because i had forgotten that life was hard. but i can't let it pause my life. i've had alot of alone time to think about alot of things and i came to a realization. i need to go live my life. i've put so many things on hold and held it in the back of my mind because i thought i didn't need it. i thought what i had was enough, but it's really never enough.
i'm learning how to live my life with needs and not wants. like, i want a chanel purse, but i NEED a marcjacobs one. but if i get both, we'll that's just perfect, but life isn't like that and i'm okay with it all.
my women and philosophy teacher said something to all of us today and it just hit hard because it was so raw; honest. we're all still young. and with that comes naivety. [is that even the right word?] i still believe that i can change the world. i still have so much faith in people despite everything i've seen and been through and it's all going to fade away. for the next few years, i can't let my thinking that i'm better than everyone else because of my experiences hold me back from living my life. goddamnit stephanie, you are stronger than this.
for so long, i was bitter that i grew up too fast. i shouldn't have gotten into drugs and drinking at such a young age, but i did and there's nothing i can do to take back those days. but i don't need to let them hold me back. i've been sober for nine months and i ask myself why? when am i honestly going to have this much free time to be with my friends and be happy? after we graduate, we start our careers. as much as i look forward to it, i need to embrace the now.
last night, i hung out at my friend, dave's, house and it was just so nice. all they're about is having a good time and taking care of people and i can't believe last year, i tried throwing them out of my life. but they never gave up. everytime they went on an outing or went partying, they always called me. i'm not going to lie, i got really annoyed, but i'm glad they stayed. the minute i walk into their house, it's just all smiles and hugs. i think everyone just needs more of that in their life.
me complaining how immature everyone is isn't going to get me anywhere. they are the ones laughing and having a great time, and i'm here. i don't want to look back when i'm 30 and regret not enjoying everything that i had. i won't have time to go out with my friends and get drunk or whatnot, because i will have a family i have to take care of and a career i'm trying to manage.
i need to give more people chances.
this weekend is all about that. tonight is davey lou's birthday party then a slumber party after. tomorrow is the spill canvas then dave's. but it's not all play and no work. sunday is homework day. those days are good too.
before dinner with dave last night, i was at peaberry's (coffee shop near campus) trying to study. i sat in my little corner with the sun shining on me. the music and people and mood just matched everything and for an hour, i just kinda looked at people and wondered if they were happy. because you know, no one in this world deserves to be sad. maybe it's just my young thoughts talking now, but life has so much to offer. i just don't want to take forgranted this time.
when i have more freetime and music to inspire, i will comment back to everyone in my previous entry.
for everyone wondering about the weight loss, there's just something wrong with my body right now but i'm managing. in 5 days, i slept for 12 hours. and before all that, i probably only got 4 hours of sleep each night and it just wasn't enough for me to go to school then work and then manage everything else i had to manage. so the doctor gave me ambien. i've been taking it everynight and it's just making me pass the fuck out, but that's really what i need now. then i got some stomach medicane that makes me not throw up because for the past 5 days, everything i ate, i just threw it back up. now, those of you who know me know i love eating so this was just bringing me down. even drinking water made me want to throw up. i'm slowly starting to gain the weight back so that is good. when size 25 pants become too loose, there is a problem.
(the picture in that previous entry was me before i lost all the weight. yeah, grossssss. i know.)
and finally i'm also taking xanax because i need to be more relaxed. i'm always so highstrung and i need to mello thefuckout. i'm beginning to realize that i don't have to be happy about life all the time. i just need to be content and everything will be okay.
this is all really looking bright for me.
i'm going to try to take pictures tonight because i want to cherish everything. i've been taking too many things forgranted and the only thing i didn't bit me in the ass. but it's okay because i believe in second chances. friends only though.
ps. i haven't cut in two days.
another reason to celebrate.
never give anyone the power to bring you down, you're worth so much more.