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stephanie. fully legal. California girl. valley girl.CUboulder. fashion. liberal. against religion. taken. makeupwhore. myspace. gemini. surf. short. pierced&tattooed. tulips. i'm probably cooler than you.


aim: xxyrbestbetxx
"e-mac": email

thank you kelli for the html/layout help. &my wonderful boyfriend who did the background graphics.

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[20 Jan 2006|06:10pm]
for people who haven't yet noticed.
i moved.

 \ \  before they bleed

[03 Dec 2005|10:51am]
i don't think i'm going to write in this journal anymore. i don't really know though.
if you've been friends with me for awhile, maybe i'll add you to my other journal. everything is friends only and i'd like to keep it that way. things are really looking up for me and i can't get off this high of life. it's been a while since i've smokedthechronic and i can't get over how i'm still fucking happy. you guys can go ahead and add my other journal, but i'm not promising anything.

new: brandnewleaf
these knuckles break //     (6)     \ \  before they bleed

[28 Nov 2005|10:41pm]

i'm ready to come back. i've actually been ready for a while now but i've just been too goddamn busy with everything and quitefrankly, i've been too lazy. i've done alot more thinking and i want to give up this whole livejournal business. it was really fun while it lasted, but it's time for me to let go.

thanksgiving break was absolutely amazing.

when i have more time, my closing statement is coming.
maybe. maybe not. who really knows. all i know is, i love where my life is headed right now and even though i can't see over tomorrow, i'm on the right track.
these knuckles break //     (5)     \ \  before they bleed

[05 Nov 2005|01:48pm]
i know i'm not here much anymore, but i still come on to read other entries, but now. things are changing fast and i don't really know what to do. i'm sending myself to rehab because i don't have anymore trust. i don't know when i'll be back, but i know i'll be okay. &i guess that's all that matters.
these knuckles break //     (7)     \ \  before they bleed

xposted in other journal. [31 Oct 2005|03:37pm]
so after 5 minutes of debating whether or now i should post these pictures, i finally caved in. why? because i'm pretty in them and i am vain. i like the fact that people are attracted to my look. it boosts my ego, really. so keep your negative comments to yourself, because they will just be deleted.

there's about 22 more days before i go back home to california &i'm dreading it. i want sun and warmth, but not in california. there's too much negative energy back home. in about 46ish days, the semester will be done. 33 of those days are school days which means i only have 33 more days to get my grades up.

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these knuckles break //     (8)     \ \  before they bleed

[25 Oct 2005|07:53pm]
here's a little update of what's been going on:

  • i got my wrist pierced.
  • my hospital bill was: $1,245.75
  • i almost passed out at the HIM show.
  • eating out really starts to add up.
  • we're throwing a halloween party at my house.
  • going to see bayside with my best guy friend here, cody.
  • going to his frat's cocktail party on thursday.
  • i'm going to be a victoria secret's angel for halloween. yes, halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress like sluts. but let's be honest, i never liked wearing a lot of clothes.
  • i THINK i'm gaining more weight.
things are really starting to look brighter.

[17 Oct 2005|09:45am]
let's just talk about how bipolar i am.
i have never felt so alive before.
i have never smiled like this and meant it.

just an update:
i have writing and writing and writing and it's felt so good. there's no fucking pretty words and no one to fucking impress. it's just me and this piece of shit laptop. i still can't comprehend how fast my brain works and how my fingers react to it all because it just keeps moving&moving.

i'm going to start walking today. i would go workout and run, but i think i would just pass out. i'm starting to eat a little more and that makes me so happy. i will never take my weight forgranted; ever.

for the past year in a half, whenever i was alone in my room, i would just feel so fucking alone, but now. i cherish it. i love the fact that i can look in the mirror and love me. my room is still a mess and i love it.

i've been going on drives alot. since i'm horrible at directions, i just kinda go in circles. sometimes i think, sometimes i cry, sometimes i just take in all the things around me and i love that feeling. i'll turn off my cellphone, turn up the music and drive. &if it's some dancey song, i'm sitting there jumping while everyone stares and that makes me just laugh.

i've been taking this place forgranted. there's so many beautiful places where it's just perfect to lie and think and i've just been too absorbed in my own bullshit to realize it. i'm planning on driving up to the mountains to watch the sunset and just be there.

i just want to live.

i want to say thank you to everyone that's been supporting me all these years. in the beginning when i started LJ, i wanted to write for me. but then suddenly i started getting all these feedbacks from all these people and it just felt so amazing. so in the process of growing up, i sort of forgot to write for me. i was always worried about informing everyone what was going on even when my entries were vague. i thought that if people could heal from my words, i could heal from their faith in me. but that's so wrong. i'm finally doing this all for me and it feels so good.

there might be a come back, there might not be. but i just wanted to thank all of you who have followed me throughout these updown years.
these knuckles break //     (13)     \ \  before they bleed

[15 Oct 2005|12:06pm]
i don't exist anymore.
to all the people that have remained movitation for me, i have added you to my new journal.
i'm sorry, but this time, it's all really personal stuff so i'm not adding a lot of people. you can feel free to email me: smileitsstephh@yahoo.com if you want to know the name, but if i don't respond, i'm not adding you. i feel terrible but i really need to do this for myself right now. i'm not saying i'll be gone forever and i might even post some of the entries, but as of now i just need to keep it all small.
these knuckles break //     (8)     \ \  before they bleed

[08 Oct 2005|04:31pm]
as people get older, they change.
a lot of times, it's for the better
and i wish i could say the same for you.

i hate the fact that i don't even know who you are anymore.
you need to prove yourself, because i don't know how much longer i can take this.
5 weeks and counting.

[07 Oct 2005|03:14pm]
i still haven't replied to comments and i apologize. i am working on trying to get back to everyone, but i'm throwing too many unnecessary events in my life. in the past few days, i don't think i've been alone much, besides to sleep. i want to share the stories about these other boys that i have in my life that consume all my life now, but i'm trying to find the right words to use.

i am so tired of girls drowning themselves in chick flicks and believing guys are really supposed to be their savior. reality check: you are alone in this world. we all die alone, i don't care if you have 29384723984 people at your funeral, you're lying in that coffin, alone.

so why do you spend years trying to find the one? want love? get a puppy. that's pure loyalty there, not to mention alll love too. but no. you spend your time analzying every word they say, every move. you are so pathetic.

bitter? no. i'm just tired of girls who think they are nothing. sweetheart, you have so much to live for. i'm not saying go out and have the mentality "fuck boys," because that gets you no where either. go out, have fun, let the boys come to you.

and stop giving yourself away to every boy you think is "perfect." no one is perfect, not even bernard. have some self respect. i need to learn how to take my own advice.

a lot of you think you're older than you really are, so this should all make sense to you. slow yourself down before jumping into a relationship, because it.is.so.much.work. i feel like so many people fall into relationships because of the fear of being alone forever. but if you can make yourself happy first, you don't need anyone else.

for everyone wondering, no, bernard and i are still together.
119days till our twoyear anniversary and it's going to get wild.

so, as you can tell, i'm pretty much back now.
these knuckles break //     (12)     \ \  before they bleed

[03 Oct 2005|04:00pm]
i spent most of my day yesterday in the emergency room.
i have never hurt this much.
average white blood cell count: 9
mine: 24
average heartbeat/rate: 60
mine: 160
these knuckles break //     (18)     \ \  before they bleed

[01 Oct 2005|02:32pm]
they lyed there in the comfort of his bed with his warm body against her's and their breathing as one. she asked him not to get too attached because everything was temporary and she didn't mean to do what she was going to do. he looked at her, smiled, and said, "girl, i know what you're doing and it's all okay. everything will be okay." and kissed her on the forehead.

last night, he ended up in the hospital and that's not even enough for her to stop.

it felt all too familiar, but she dealt with it. she's on her own now and won't have it any other way. so with blow in her veins she danced and danced and danced till there was nothing left inside of her. after more cigarettes and the drive home, reality hit, she tainted her body again.

last night was full of laughter, tears, kids passed out on the floor, beerpong (that i kicked ass at), and way too many cigarettes for my own good. on the way home, i had my arm around cody because he was really just too drunk to walk by himself, sabrina talking to me and samantha dancing ahead of us. what a fucking movie. nono. my life is such a fucking movie and i love it.

i think everyone there saw my tits so it matches with last year when they all saw my ass.

i'm really not mess guys, promise. at the end of the day i know who i am and i'm not going to say i'm happy happy, but i'm content with it all. with substance or without substance, i'm still living.

i will still be writing in here because after this whole ordeal, i want to be able to look back, but mentally i won't be here and i appologize.
these knuckles break //     (3)     \ \  before they bleed

[30 Sep 2005|03:59pm]
you know what i hate? when i write this long ass entry and one of my co-workers decide to delete it. totallly not cool.

so i'm not going away. it's just too hard for me to get up and leave all this. running away never solved anything and on my "quest" to learn more about me, i'm going to deal with it. suck it up stephanie, you're better than all this. i still have my private journal that i write in everyday, but it's not the same as this.

i'm not going to say everything is fine, because it really isn't. things are so chaotic right now and for a while i didn't know how to deal because i had forgotten that life was hard. but i can't let it pause my life. i've had alot of alone time to think about alot of things and i came to a realization. i need to go live my life. i've put so many things on hold and held it in the back of my mind because i thought i didn't need it. i thought what i had was enough, but it's really never enough.

i'm learning how to live my life with needs and not wants. like, i want a chanel purse, but i NEED a marcjacobs one. but if i get both, we'll that's just perfect, but life isn't like that and i'm okay with it all.

my women and philosophy teacher said something to all of us today and it just hit hard because it was so raw; honest. we're all still young. and with that comes naivety. [is that even the right word?] i still believe that i can change the world. i still have so much faith in people despite everything i've seen and been through and it's all going to fade away. for the next few years, i can't let my thinking that i'm better than everyone else because of my experiences hold me back from living my life. goddamnit stephanie, you are stronger than this.

for so long, i was bitter that i grew up too fast. i shouldn't have gotten into drugs and drinking at such a young age, but i did and there's nothing i can do to take back those days. but i don't need to let them hold me back. i've been sober for nine months and i ask myself why? when am i honestly going to have this much free time to be with my friends and be happy? after we graduate, we start our careers. as much as i look forward to it, i need to embrace the now.

last night, i hung out at my friend, dave's, house and it was just so nice. all they're about is having a good time and taking care of people and i can't believe last year, i tried throwing them out of my life. but they never gave up. everytime they went on an outing or went partying, they always called me. i'm not going to lie, i got really annoyed, but i'm glad they stayed. the minute i walk into their house, it's just all smiles and hugs. i think everyone just needs more of that in their life.

me complaining how immature everyone is isn't going to get me anywhere. they are the ones laughing and having a great time, and i'm here. i don't want to look back when i'm 30 and regret not enjoying everything that i had. i won't have time to go out with my friends and get drunk or whatnot, because i will have a family i have to take care of and a career i'm trying to manage.

i need to give more people chances.

this weekend is all about that. tonight is davey lou's birthday party then a slumber party after. tomorrow is the spill canvas then dave's. but it's not all play and no work. sunday is homework day. those days are good too.

before dinner with dave last night, i was at peaberry's (coffee shop near campus) trying to study. i sat in my little corner with the sun shining on me. the music and people and mood just matched everything and for an hour, i just kinda looked at people and wondered if they were happy. because you know, no one in this world deserves to be sad. maybe it's just my young thoughts talking now, but life has so much to offer. i just don't want to take forgranted this time.

when i have more freetime and music to inspire, i will comment back to everyone in my previous entry.

for everyone wondering about the weight loss, there's just something wrong with my body right now but i'm managing. in 5 days, i slept for 12 hours. and before all that, i probably only got 4 hours of sleep each night and it just wasn't enough for me to go to school then work and then manage everything else i had to manage. so the doctor gave me ambien. i've been taking it everynight and it's just making me pass the fuck out, but that's really what i need now. then i got some stomach medicane that makes me not throw up because for the past 5 days, everything i ate, i just threw it back up. now, those of you who know me know i love eating so this was just bringing me down. even drinking water made me want to throw up. i'm slowly starting to gain the weight back so that is good. when size 25 pants become too loose, there is a problem.

(the picture in that previous entry was me before i lost all the weight. yeah, grossssss. i know.)

and finally i'm also taking xanax because i need to be more relaxed. i'm always so highstrung and i need to mello thefuckout. i'm beginning to realize that i don't have to be happy about life all the time. i just need to be content and everything will be okay.

this is all really looking bright for me.
i'm going to try to take pictures tonight because i want to cherish everything. i've been taking too many things forgranted and the only thing i didn't bit me in the ass. but it's okay because i believe in second chances. friends only though.

ps. i haven't cut in two days.
another reason to celebrate.

never give anyone the power to bring you down, you're worth so much more.
these knuckles break //     (5)     \ \  before they bleed

[28 Sep 2005|07:56pm]
Leave your name and
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

so i lost 15 lbs. in 5 days.
uuuber healthy, huh?
but i'm going to be okay.
these knuckles break //     (15)     \ \  before they bleed

[26 Sep 2005|04:38am]
i'm deleting this el jay.
i need to start over with things.
i already started a new journal, but it's all private.
no, this delete won't be permanent.
i just don't know when i'm going to come back.
but i will be back.
maybe a different person.
for everyone who just has me on their friend's list because of the pictures, i'm sorry. to all you fakers, i'm really done with this. i will not be posting anymore pictures publicly, i'm tired of your shit. you can recycle my pictures on ratemesites but pretty soon they'll get old. i promise.
i have a new aim sn too &i will be deleting myspace soon.
if i have you on my friends' list, please bear with me. i really do care about you guys and your entries, but right now i have to do this for me.
this is gone starting october first.

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it's a countdown. &a race. let's see who wins.

[25 Sep 2005|09:32pm]
adderal hasn't worked.
i still can't sit still.
and time is running out. so many tests, so little time.
my heart is heavy and beating hard.
i cannot get him out of my head.
5more days and it's 20 months.
if we go down, we go down together.

it's 4:52am.
in the past 3 days, i think i've gotten about 6 hours of sleep total. i have a test today at 12pm and i'm not even close to ready. but i just don't care anymore. i can't read or study or concentrate in any way. i probably won't be sleeping this whole week which makes everything just more dandy. &i'll be okay, because i always am.

i guess i should start getting ready for school.
no, i still haven't looked at my notes or read any of the readings.
these knuckles break //     (7)     \ \  before they bleed

[21 Sep 2005|10:06pm]
i feel like these posts are so repetitive.
it's the same feeling. same emotion. same everything, yet everytime i leave, i can't stop smiling.
i think i'm going to give up on spending money on clothes and makeup because this is my home. in the next coming weeks, i have a gazillion shows to attend. i just need to rock out. \m/

no. it's not even about that. it's just about being in the presence of something so incredible. something that can trigger your body to do things you thought you were too tired to do. i know how the vibrations will feel running through my bones, but everytime it happens, it continues to take my breath away.

i want to start going to local shows. i want to meet these 17 year old boys doing what they love. i think the thing that gets me every time, is: i fall in love with the energy/atmosphere everytime i'm in the presence. i don't even care about the people who don't know how to mosh, just push people around.

because it's not about that. it's me and the unsaid. i don't even know. i remember when i used to just stand on the side of the stage and move with the music, soaking everything in. but now i find myself more in the middle fucking dancing. &ilovethat.

this time, the crowd was a little lame. alot more bros, and it was so cute seeing them sing to one song because that's the only one they know. &it's okay. my childabandonment complex is still there, but when it comes to commercial bands, i don't mind to much. just don't take my babies away.

i love the fact that it's not about whoring myself to band boys anymore. "you guys were awesome." *shakehand* and that's it. BUT. there was this boy that i could not stop staring at. the keyboardist. he had this look to him. and maybe it's the fact that he's not a typical "hot" band boy that made me so attracted. but the way he moved. gorgeous.

there were so many boys with their girlyfriends and i so badly wished bernard was there holding me while i tried to jump up and down singing my hearts out. "You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously"
and it's just bernard and i. i can't even start to explain how much i miss his touch and kiss. just everything about him. and i miss the way he'll think i did something cute and give me the tightest hug and just say, "i love you so much." it's always the little things, you know.

i don't want to say the bands because i don't want anyone to take this away from me. does that make any sense? it's my disorder kicking in. i know they're not my boys, but it's my home. &it's taken so long for me to find it.

My life is a rhythm
And my feet will improvise;

oh yeah. there was this fucking rad guitarist CWALKING while he was playing. now that's talented. definitely looked like he listens to hiphop but he was just too good and they had to have him. while everyone was trying to whore the stage, he was in his little corner doing his own thing.

it's so amazing how music can bring so many together.

9/28 - nural
10/1 - the spill canvas
10/2 - 3" of blood (because it's hot when a 5'2 asian girl in a skirt is in the pit)
10/4 - GYM CLASS HEROS (emery)
10/8 - death cab for cutie
10/9 - coheed and cambria
11/25 (CA) - Senses Fail / Saves The Day (steph, you better be coming to this)

someone come with me.

people going to copeland. do NOT talk to me. i've been wanting to see them ever since i heard them and every time, something conflicts. the past year, it's been me in colorado while they're in california. and vice versa. oh what happened this year? SAME THING. but i guess it's a good thing because i need to see them with bernard so they can play our song and i can be with the only person that matters.

&&&&stephlo needs to be with me.

part of me wants to go see falloutboy, but i've seen them 298347209384 times and it's just different now. stop wanting to fuck the bassist. andno, the song wasn't written for you. bittermuch? just a little.

fuck you if you think poppyemo is shitty. it makes me dance and happy and that's all that should matter.
this has been a long one. peace&love, i'm out.

i'm waiting for bailey to finish her hw so we can go out. i mean, it's 10:36pm on a wednesday night. let's live a little.Collapse )
these knuckles break //     (6)     \ \  before they bleed

stolen from aiiiiren. [21 Sep 2005|02:41pm]
If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often,
you must reply with a memory of me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad, just as long as it happened.
Then post this up yourself and see what people remember about you.
these knuckles break //     (28)     \ \  before they bleed

[17 Sep 2005|02:22pm]
when it rains, it pours. story of my life.
that's what he said when i asked my ex-boyfriend what qoute would describe him. as abusive as he was, he was right on that.

&you would think i would be used to it by now, but it always still comes as a shock.
i love the fact that i overwhelm myself because i'm on my own and i need to support myself somehow and then stress out about it. i find myself slowly giving up on studying hardcore for this test. five hours a day for five days is wearing me out.

i've been living on coffee and hotpockets ¬ alot of sleep.

i told myself i wouldn't go out last night, but after hours of straight studying, i decided i needed a break. so the girlies and the boyzies all got together and went to noah's. i haven't seen that boy in so long and i'm so glad that he hasn't changed. &it was just like the dorms last year. we all stuck together and ended up in a room, with just us. the party was happening outside, but we were content being in the presence of other.

then somehow, jesse decided to brand daveylou with a lighter. liz and bailey got cigarette brands. i just hid behind jesse as all of this was happening because it was just too hard for me to watch. i really love the fact that jesse and i are friends again. after like 8 months of not talking to each other, it was weird and i did miss him. to all of you who have been on my friend's list for a while, you should know who he is.

i feel like his bigsister always making sure he has enough to eat and making sure everything is okay. but when times get rough, i always seem to turn to him. it's so weird and i can't even explain it. for a while, he was going through this phase where he was really sad and heartbroken so i would spend time with him trying to sort things out and telling him that he didn't deserve a girl who treats him like shit.

no one deserves to be treated like shit. it happens, but no one deserves it. &i can't understand how some girls just stay with their boyfriends after being so hurt by them and vice versa. but then i think of bernard and if he ever intentionally hurt me, i think it would be so hard to leave. it's like you have this image in your head on how everything is supposed to be and it doesn't turn out that way. it takes a while before your brain even knows what to do.

it's been a year and sevenpointfive months and things are still gravy. i cherish that so much. it amazes me how patient we are with each other and how much we give to each other. i never thought i'd be able to do that and i have.

even if we broke up, i feel like we'd be on good terms because we understand so much about each other. i don't know how my next boyfriend would deal with it because he's my best friend. i can't see myself with anyone else though. i know i'm young and such, but i can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
these knuckles break //     (4)     \ \  before they bleed

[16 Sep 2005|02:33pm]
okay. whoever is directly linking my pictures, stop. you are taking up my bandwith space.
i would really hate to turn this journal into friends only because i'm picky and i don't like censorship.
so pictures might be friends only. if you have my on your friend's list just so you can see pictures, sorry.
i hate watermarking all my photos.
these knuckles break //     (5)     \ \  before they bleed

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